Paradise
by pampongchamp
Summary: COMPLETED Mary makes a selfish decision...thats all i got that isnt too obvious
1. un

Hi, I'm back, once again. This story is not going to be as quick as the last one. I'm really feeling this one, and I hope it turns out good. This story was inspired by the rascal flats song "my worst fear", (I hope that doesn't give too much away) and the episodes, "prodigal" "ay carumba" and "pathetic" some of the dialogue sparked the idea for this story. 

Warning: this isn't going to be a mushy-gushy lovey dovey story, it is the opposite. It may cause tears, I cried while writing it. (How dismal is that?) 

Disclaimer: I don't own 7th heaven blah blah blah . . .

I'm not going to start off by explaining what's going on, it will all pan out, but if you are confused, e-mail me and I'll fill you in

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**_one more day in paradise…_**

Mary sat quietly on the bedroom floor folding laundry. She folded the baby sleepers and t-shirts with fire trucks on them with extra care. She could smell the mountain spring detergent on her hands when she reached up to wipe her tears. She took in their size and pattern, trying to forever brand them in her mind. 

_It would be the last time she saw them._

She stood up to put the clothes away; she caught a glance of herself in the mirror. She saw misery staring back at her with tear-streaked cheeks. She quickly wiped herself off and headed for Billy's room. Wilson walked in the doorway before she could leave it. 

"Hi honey," he said leaning down to kiss her.

Mary tried to freeze the moment in her memory. What cologne he had been wearing, how soft his lips were. 

_It would be the last time she would feel them. _

Wilson started to remove his work clothes and walk towards the closet. Mary dropped the laundry basket and quickly came towards him.

"It's ok, I'll take them," she said grabbing the clothes from him

"Uh, thanks" he said looking at her confused. 

Mary quickly emerged from the closet with more comfortable clothes for Wilson. He thanked her, but looked at her strangely as she rushed off to Billy's room with the laundry basket. 

When all of the clothes were put away Mary checked the time, 5:22. Everything was going on schedule. She had 40 minutes to get dinner on the table. Mary did her best to soak up the smell of dinner, the sound of Wilson typing on the computer, seeing Billy shake the colorful plastic keys over the baby swing, much to his sister's delight. 

_It would be the last time she experienced moments like this._

She checked the fridge for the fourth time. Plenty of bottles ready to go, TV dinners, at least enough for a week, a few boxes of macaroni and cheese. She had to make sure that everyone would eat. 

During dinner Mary didn't say much, she just observed and listened. She smiled when Billy talked about the snake that Jared brought to show and tell that afternoon. Wilson kept looking at her, trying to figure out what was going on. Every time their eyes met her heart would sink and she would look down at her plate, or look over to check on Andrea in her baby swing. 

Later that evening while Wilson was finishing up some work Mary and Billy were leaning over the tub trying to wash a squirming infant. She smiled through the tears forming in her eyes at the faces the baby made when Billy slowly poured water over her head to rinse the soap. Mary blinked away her tears as she wrapped Andie in a towel and told Billy that he needed a bath too. 

She laid the infant on her bed, and carefully put on her pajamas. She picked her up and held her tightly; she could smell the baby shampoo on her. She inhaled the scent deeply.

_It would be the last time she could._

Mary softly placed her daughter in her bassinet.  She sniffled as she bent down to kiss her head. 

"I love you" she whispered. 

Mary quickly composed herself as Billy emerged from the bathroom. 

"Ok bed" Mary instructed.

Billy walked to his bedroom and opened the door, as he began to walk in Mary grabbed shoulder. He turned to face her and she knelt to his height. She stroked his hair, "you know I love you" she told him

"Yeah," Billy nodded, "goodnight"

He went to hug her and Mary gripped him tightly, "goodnight" she choked out. 

Minutes later Mary was pulling back the covers and Wilson entered the bedroom. He smiled warmly at her. She looked up at him and her stomach turned over. He joined her in the bed, "you feeling ok?" he asked

"Yep, I'm fine" Mary said snuggling under the covers.

"Ok," He said, he leaned over and gave her an affectionate kiss, "goodnight" 

Wilson reached over to shut off the light, and Mary was glad. Now he couldn't see her cry. 

A few hours later Mary was still not sleeping, Andie started to fuss. Wilson tapped her, "it's ok Mare, you sleep. I'll get her" 

She waited a few minutes to move; she noticed that Wilson had left the room. She slowly got up and tiptoed into the hall. She saw him, holding their child so tenderly. He was walking around the small apartment, kissing her tiny head in attempt to calm her, humming a lullaby softly. 

This scene was too much for Mary to bear. She gripped the wall to keep her feet under her. She put her hand over her mouth to try to silence her devastating sobs. Still using the wall for support Mary staggered back to her bed and laid down exactly the way Wilson had left her. 

He came in a few minutes later and put Andie back in bed. He stood over Mary, still faking sleep. He gently stroked her cheek and whispered; "you're my angel Mary, I love you so much" he leaned down and kissed her forehead softly, then returned to his side of the bed. 

Mary tried her hardest to keep from becoming hysterical. 

Wilson, why are you making this so hard?

When the bottom drops out 

**_She forgets to fight…._**

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reviews please

Sorry, there wont be any of my crazy ramblings or sarcastic comments at the end of these. Being the actress that I am, I put my self into a, I guess you could say, place to write these. And it's hard to get out of that place for a while. So expect these to say review at the end. 


	2. deux

**_Every time she closed her eyes_**

**_She saw what could have been . . ._**

Mary dragged herself into the dark, revolting motel room. She sighed heavily as she lay down on the faded floral comforter. Her eyes were heavy, and she wanted to sleep, but her mind was too crowded.

She tried hard not to focus on the awful thing she had just done. But when she closed her eyes all she could see were their faces. Since sleep was now no longer an option, she let her wandering mind take over.

_What are you doing here? This has to be the stupidest thing you've ever done. _

She glanced through the slats of the broken blinds at the flickering neon sign.

_He is the perfect guy, you don't deserve him. _

_But you loved him. _

_Didn't you?_

_Sure you did_

_Be he loved you a lot more. _

Mary rolled over and stared at the yellow ceiling. The tiles were crooked and broken, most of them were missing.

_If you were still with Robbie you wouldn't be here_

_But would you be happy?_

_Are you happy now? Obviously not._

Mary put a pillow over her head in vain attempt to silence her quarreling conscience.  

_Did you even think about what's going to happen to them? No, you didn't because you're too selfish!_

_You're so stupid Mary_

She continued to fight with herself for hours, drifting in and out of sleep. She had nightmares, lots of them.

Darkness, and screaming, screaming children. She rolled over and wiped the tears that were blurring her vision. The clock read 7:27.

Wilson would be getting up about now. Mary continued to weep as she pictured him slowly coming out of sleep, he would reach over for her and she would be gone. He would look around the room, and then check the other rooms of the house. Confused he would come back into the bedroom and discover the envelope on her pillow, where he would have hoped he would discover her. He would pick it up and sit on the edge of the bed. His strong hands would break the seal and unfold the piece of paper. His hands would shake as he read these words . . . 

_Wilson,_

_            If you are reading this it's probably become apparent that I'm not there. I wish I could tell you where I went, but I don't know where I'm heading. I only know that I needed out. I don't know when I'll be back, if I ever do come back. Wilson I want you to know that I love you, and the past few months have been undeniably perfect. With you I have the kind of life that little girls dream that they will grow up to have, but I'm starting to think that I wasn't ready for it. I've been so unhappy the past few months, and the hardest part of that is that you have never given me a reason to be unhappy. This is something I had to do. I'm afraid if I stay it will only get worse. Tell Andie and Billy that I love them, make sure they always know that their mom loved them. This wasn't their fault, it wasn't yours either. I need you to know Wilson that this wasn't about money, or you, or the kids. It is simply about me. I have a lot I need to work out and I just couldn't stay anymore. The three of you will always be in my thoughts. I really hope that someday you'll forgive me, all of you. Just know that I didn't want to leave, I simply had to. I couldn't pretend anymore._

_~Mary_

**_she slowly swallows all her fear_**

**_and soothes her mind with lies_****__**

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I don't know if it worked, but it didn't last time, the 1st 2 lines and last 2 this chapter and the last one are supposed to be bold an italicized; they aren't part of the plot. Just me being artistic 


	3. toi

Sorry it took so long to update. My afternoon wasn't as quiet as I would have hoped. Landscapers in the front yard, pool guys in the back, and the maid insists on cleaning every room I re-locate to. Ugh, I hate hired help.

Ok sorry, enough ranting. . . here's the story

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**_nothing hurts, and nothing bleeds_**

**_when covers tucked in tight . . ._**

"Yeah, just for the weekend . . .yeah, three o'clock, my girlfriend will give you the key and tell you everything you need to know . . .ok great, thanks, bye" Greg hung up the phone and walked into the back bedroom. "Hey Hon, I gotta go."

Mary smiled, "ok, see you in Florida!" she kissed him

"There's a kid upstairs who is going to watch Buster for us," he started for the door, "I left his info on the counter, he'll be by at 3 for the key and stuff" 

"Ok bye!" Mary said closing the door behind her. She went back to the bedroom to finish packing. Mary was going on vacation to Florida with her boyfriend. They had been living together for almost a year; she had a feeling that he might propose on this trip. She was afraid of that, because then the subject that she was still married might come up. 

When Mary was all packed up she aimlessly wandered the apartment. She had to get a flight the next morning; Greg was using company miles so he got to go early. She made herself some popcorn, as she popped a few kernels in her mouth she walked over to the slip of paper by the phone. She picked it up, she was just curious to see who was going to be responsible for Greg's precious little wiener dog.

As she read the information scribbled on the paper she had to steady herself, she became very lightheaded, the words seemed to blur across the page. 

_Billy West_

_Apt. 314_

_555-5476_

Mary started to have a panic attack. She was sweating and she thought she might be sick. She nervously paced around the apartment as the minutes got closer and closer to three.

When he knocked Mary jumped out of her skin. This was a moment she only had nightmares about; she never ever thought she would get to see them again. As she headed for the door she started to tell herself that it was an extreme coincidence. California was a big state; after all, it could be someone else. No, it had to be. Plus, they were probably still in Buffalo. 

Her sweaty palm wrapped around the door handle and with a burst of courage she flung it open. In front of her stood a tall boy, about 14, with shaggy brown hair, in a striped polo shirt.

"God you look like you dad" Mary blurted, when she became aware that she had just spoken aloud, she drew back. 

"Mary?" he said, both baffled and angry

"Hi sweetie" she said holding back tears.

Billy looked at her confused, he wasn't sure if he wanted to hug her or scream. He chose the hug and entered the apartment. Mary sat him down on the couch, and pulled a chair up across from him.

She stared at him; still teary eyed "so how are you?"

"I'm pretty good. I'm a freshman now" Billy continued to tell Mary about his new girlfriend, and about how his football team went to state. He felt strange having to explain his life to a woman who was legally his mother, and the only mother he had ever known. 

"And. . .And your sister?" Mary asked leaning forward.

"Um, she's great. She really likes first grade a lot. She plays soccer and basketball . . ." Billy paused, "she looks a lot like you" 

Mary sensed the anger in Billy; it was almost filling the room, "It's ok Billy, say it. Whatever it is you've been building up for seven years"

Billy had asked himself every night since Mary left, "what would I say if I saw Mary again?" It seemed that as the years went by the answer got more complicated and more resentful. He just let it all out, "did you ever even think about what might happen to us?" Billy's voice was shaking, "dad went crazy after you left. He was a total wreck, plus he had a newborn to take care of, and a little boy to take to school. He got fired for missing so much work, so we had to go to GlenOak and live with my grandparents." 

Mary uncomfortably stared at the floor. 

"So where did you go?" Billy asked her; they all wondered where it was she had run off to. 

Mary cleared her throat, eyes still intently on the floor, " I lived in a motel in Syracuse for quite awhile." She considered not telling Billy the rest of the story. Then she had remembered that like his dad, Billy had to grow up way to fast. "I drank a lot, I was very very depressed. I had no money, no job, and no family. I seriously considered suicide for a long time. A lady at the bar I went to suggested that since I was always there, I might as well make money. So I was a bartender for 5 years. That's how I met Greg." She looked up at Billy with an uncomfortable smile.

Billy sat quiet, and then finally asked, "Did you plan on ever coming back?"

"Yes" Mary said, "that was always my intention. But I always told myself it had been too long. And that you guys wouldn't want me back" 

Billy had angry tears running down his face, " you know every morning dad would wake up and say to himself, 'today's the day she's coming back' he doesn't say it anymore, but we all know he thinks it." Billy stood up and started pacing, "Did you even love him?!" 

"Yes," Mary was crying now, "of course I did"

"Not enough obviously" Billy spat, "you know how awkward it is when Andie comes home from school, or a friend's house and she asks us why she doesn't have a mommy?" Mary started to speak, but Billy cut her off, "don't even tell me that sending a birthday card every few years makes you our mother." He started for the door, "my real mother didn't want to leave me, that's just the way God wanted it. But you . . .you had a choice"

He opened the door and Mary rose and grabbed his arm. She still had so much to ask him, she needed to talk to him. "Billy you can't leave" she pleaded with tears pouring down her face. 

"You taught me how" Billy snarled and slammed the door behind him. 

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**_One last chance to feel alright . . ._**

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reviews are always greatly appreciated


	4. quatre

Sorry this took so so long to update! I had a major case of writers block, but it is obviously cured, (this chapter is 1,957 words long)

Note: I do realize that Mary and Wilson could have had a contested divorce by now, (I learned that from the Flintstones, tee hee) but that way it wouldn't work!

I had to up the rating, this chap contains some language, sorry

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**_All she wants and all she needs_**

**_Are reasons to survive_**

Billy stormed up to his apartment, but calmed himself as he entered, to find Andie sitting on the floor playing with her Barbie's contently. He tried to act as normal as possible to his bedroom. Wilson walked out of the kitchen and stopped him.

"Hey, so when do you start?" he asked

"Start what?" Billy said not turning around. He had no desire to speak to Wilson, much less look at him. 

"You know watching Mr. . . ." Wilson squinted as he attempted to read the post-it note, "Hammond's dog." He looked up at Billy, "you should really work on your handwriting." He smiled.

Billy however, was in no mood to smile, "I'm not going to do it"

"Well, why not?" Wilson asked, "Did they decide to not go?"

Billy shrugged.

"Was his girlfriend not home?"

Billy shook his head, "no she was home"

Wilson was extremely confused, "well, then what's the problem?" 

"Nothing, I just don't like her" Billy was trying hard to get away from his dad and lock himself in his bedroom. That way he could contemplate how he was going to deal with this. 

"What? Why not?" Wilson asked following him around the room, "was she rude to you or something?"

"Forget it dad" Billy said making one last attempt to get to his bedroom. He tried to stay calm and wait until he got away from everyone to let out his anger, but it was no use. "I've met her before, I just don't like her ok!"

"I want to meet this woman," Wilson demanded, he couldn't understand what this person might have said to get Billy so upset. 

"You already know her," Billy mumbled

"I do?" Wilson was puzzled by all of this, "who is she?"

"You're lovely wife" Billy said sarcastically, heading for the front door.

Wilson grabbed him, "what?"

"Mary, it was Mary" he snapped and went back for the door.

"Who's Mary?" Andie asked curiously looking up at her quarreling family with innocent eyes.

"Hold on sweetie" Wilson told her then turned back to Billy, "how long as she been here?"

"You should know, you married the bitch" Billy could feel the rage building up inside of him, how could she do this to them? They were finally ok without her.

"Hey! Do not talk about your mother like that!"

Billy thought that Wilson was completely in denial, 7 years worth of anger suddenly flooded out of him, "She's not my mother! She's not your wife! And she doesn't give a shit about any of us!" then he flung open the door.

"Don't you walk out of here!" his father screamed.

"Watch me" and with that he slammed the door behind him. 

Wilson turned to see Andie sitting on the floor, frozen with eyes wide. Wilson tried to calm himself long enough to tell her to go play in her room. 

He nervously paced around the room. Billy's whereabouts were at the bottom of his worries list. If Billy had talked to Mary, then she knew they were here. What if she came by? Maybe she expected him to come over? What if she didn't want to see him? Did he really want to see her? What about Andie? If he did go see her, should he take her? That would mean a lot of explaining that Wilson had wanted to avoid until she was older. 

Why did she have to come back?

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Mary was lying on her bed in a fetal position, bawling her eyes out. She wondered if this was punishment, you know, bad karma back to haunt her. She had left them, ruining their lives, and they were back, and in turn it would destroy what she finally had. She heard a soft knock on the front door and she jumped.

Mary walked past the mirror in the hall. She looked like hell, make-up smeared, and hair a mess. She darted to the bathroom to clean herself us as quickly as possible. When she passed the mirror again, she didn't look wonderful, but it was certainly an improvement.

Her hands were shaking as she reached for the doorknob. As soon as they grasped it, she could feel him on the other side. There was no way it was anyone else, she just knew.

She took a deep breath and opened the door. Wilson was looking at the ground but when the door opened he looked up to meet his eyes with hers. He looked so much older than that night when she left. He was still as handsome, but he seemed older, and sadder. 

Wilson couldn't believe that she was standing there in front of him. He had only seen her in his dreams. He never thought he'd stand this close to her ever again. "Hi Mare" he choked out.

No one had called her "Mare" in years. So many times in the beginning, and throughout the years had she just wanted to throw her arms around him, and he would make it all ok. She never wanted it more than at that moment. "Hi" she said softly, with a slight smile, while a single tear rolled softly down her cheek. 

She decided to just hug him, she wasn't sure what drove her to, but she just did it. At first it seemed awkward, stiff and distant. But for one spilt second they felt that love they had once shared crash over them like a wave. Wilson pulled away first, Mary saw a little girl cowering behind Wilson. She tried to hold in her tears as she knelt down to see her. Wilson put a hand on her back and gently pushed her forward. "Say hi" he told her.

She looked up at Mary, "hi" she said softly. It occurred to Mary that Andie was the same age that Billy was when she left. This little girl was so sweet, and it scared her enough to meet someone knew. How did she desert a kid like that? Two kids to say the least. 

Mary slowly rose and invited the pair in. Greg's dog Buster scurried out of the bedroom, and Andie perked up.

"Can I play with the puppy?" she asked excitedly

"Sure, why don't you go back there?" she pointed toward the back bedroom. Andie picked up the dog and scampered down the hall.

"She doesn't know who I am huh?" Mary asked Wilson. 

"I wasn't sure how to tell her. I didn't know if you wanted to see us, I couldn't tell her that her mom lives upstairs but she's not allowed to see her" 

Mary didn't respond. 

"What are you doing here Mare?" he asked, but then corrected himself, "no, what I really want to know is why did you leave?" 

Mary let out a deep sigh; she had had a lot of time to think about this, but she still wasn't ready to explain. "Well, when I begged you to elope, you said that you didn't think I was ready. That kind of stuck with me. The weekend when I went home to tell everyone what we did, Matt told me that I only got married to prove a point, and that I was still in love with Robbie" Wilson kept trying to chime in, but Mary wasn't going to let him, "I thought a lot about that, and the sad part was matt was right, not about Robbie. But for a while I thought maybe he was. I realized that I kissed Ben, because I was scared, that I might actually be in love, and then I married you because I was afraid of being alone. I was going to leave a lot sooner, but then I got pregnant. And I thought, 'this is great, maybe now it'll all be ok' but it wasn't, it just got worse. I felt like I was living a lie, it's not that I didn't love you Wilson, I did. I was too young, too stupid. You were right" by this time Mary was sobbing. "You don't have to tell me how I ruined your life, Billy already did. And I'm not sure I can handle it."

Wilson finally spoke, "I won't, but you know Mary I was never worried about us, I was worried about you." He looked up at her with concern, "should I have been?"

Mary nodded, and preceded to tell Wilson the story she had already told Billy, but this time there were more details. 

"So where's it going with this Greg guy?" Wilson asked her

"Um" Mary bit her lip, she didn't really like discussing this with Wilson, "I think he's going to propose."

Wilson could see right through her, "you don't love him do you?"

"Yes I do!" Mary snapped, offended by his judgment

"No you don't Mare, I know you better than you think" Mary was quiet and Wilson just looked at her, "don't hurt him like you did me Mare, end this before you destroy him" 

Mary just looked straight ahead while the tears ran down her cheeks. 

"Well I know you've got a plane to catch," he retrieved angie from the bedroom, "it was good to see you Mary, don't be a stranger ok?"

And then he was gone. 

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Two weeks later, Wilson was returning home and he found a small white envelope taped to his front door. There was no name on it, no return address, but he opened it anyway. He unfolded it slowly and sat down on the couch.

_Wilson, _

_          I have been thinking a lot about what you said last Saturday. I called Greg, and I ended it. According to my friend Jill, he found someone new in Florida, just my luck right? Well, I packed everything up and I went to the airport. I exchanged my ticket to Florida and I'm heading to London. I had to get away from the people I know, and all my mistakes lurking around waiting to punish me. I'm going to try and find myself, and what I really want. Now that I know you guys are truly fine without me, I can focus on what I need in my life. I realized finally why I actually left, and that is that you deserved better. You still do. Wilson, please promise me that you will go out and find a wonderful woman who loves you, and Billy and Andie more than I ever could. I want you three to have the happily ever after I stole from you._

_ ~Mary_

I wish you strength when times are hard  
                                                                               
                                  Oh I wish with all my heart you find just what you're looking for

  
           I wish you joy  
                                                                                            I wish you peace

  
                           And that every star you see is within your reach

  
  And I wish you still loved me

**THE END***

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Ok wow, so I'm actually really proud of this one. I hope no one is angry that I didn't put them back together. But that wasn't the point of this. This was about her selfish decisions and how they would affect everyone, not just herself…which was her intention. 

Please review!

I have NO ideas in my noggin, so the next story might be awhile…sorry

~*~*Shannon*~*~


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